Today again, I am feeling the disparity between the living and the dying.
I feel like I'm drowning and really, nobody seems to understand.
As a result of my experiences, I have come to realize that our behavior is still that of an animal's dressed up as a human's, no better than a mouse in universe 25 or a grasshopper mutating with rage at the high population of grasshoppers in the vicinity.

You, who are reading this fucking piece of shit writing, are no exception, and neither am I (when I am in the state of mind that any typical functioning person should inhabit).
But realize that my headspace is no far cry from the one you live in, and the reason that I am a part of what's real and superior to a character, say, "Pavlov", who was made up and given an unfathomable number of terabytes of personal background and genetics and what-not that dictates Pavlov's behavior, is because maybe one day, you guys will truly relate to my piece of shit fucked life.
And maybe, it will be while listening to Mariya Takeuchi on a friday where you are feeling the void threaten to drown you.

Actually, this past week I conducted an experiment that felt barely of my own volition; really it started on a spur, maybe some electrons took just the right tram, maybe I was feeling particularly spirited that morning, but I decided to take on the persona of Natalie.
My first words that I texted in my blossoming new form were,

"hiii I'm Natalie but I also go by Natz! I like sushi, boba, raving, and playing league!
Actually when I was 6 I was a boy but then one day I prayed to God that I'd wake up a girl and what do you know here I am xD in all my 5'5 glory"

The snippet felt too freeing to be a LARP and I enjoyed it guiltily.
So for the next two days, I was Natalie this, Natalie that, and suddenly my world had emotion in it.
Such emotion you could not convey, the disparity was exactly that of one between the thriving and the suffering, and trying to do so would be as futile as pleading with a psychopath serial killer to emphasize with the love you might feel for your loved ones.

But of course, my history is no stranger to falling down, and here I am again writing this piece of shit writing.